husband wants to spend every weekend with his family

He lived 4.5 hours away. and cant get out much, so Drew has dinner with him every week. IN both matters (money and going to his parents), please dont be afraid to make your voice heard!! He even startedtalking badly about your family, and you feel he wants to distance you from them. if the LWs learn this, we will have to find another source of entertainment, findingtheearth Maybe he feels that since he sees the gf all week now, he should spend weekends with his family. Like the people who say they wouldnt want to know a significant other was cheating on them. Im very independent , so it doesnt bother me too much just because I do my own thing anyway but it is still frustrating. No, not necessarily. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly four years now and have discussed marriage in the near future. She thought he would change, and he hasnt. Its sad, but it happens. Break up and date a man who wants to spend time with you. Sorry if someone else mentioned this and I didnt see, but it seems as though the boyfriend moved straight from his parents house to with her, right? Our favorite free activity is to find new parks/trails in our area and spend the afternoon on them. It certainly wasnt for me or any of my friends when they took the next step. I agree that some more information about the timeline would be helpful. You know how it usually goes, on weekdays, you and your husband work, and you have a little time for yourself. Please see my post below.. Thats what I wondered why does she have to go with every weekend? Relationship time without your family is really important to me and I hope we can work in implementing a date day/night where it is just us.; your other option if he still doesnt agree to this or guilts you, is ending the relationship, because this is not going to change. June 18, 2014, 12:55 pm. He knows this because its important to me so I talk about it. When family is in town, we spend almost every waking minute visiting. Its a worldwide treasure hunt. If you are an introvert, unlike your husband, who is a social butterfly, there are more reasons for arguments. Unless theres a legitimate reason, like a sick/dying family member, that he needs to be home all the time, escaping his life with you in the city means he doesnt value your needs and you dont share the same interests. I do think its a valid point to want more alone time with your significant other regardless of how hes spending the rest of their time, but I also dont see it as a dysfunctional family dynamic. lets_be_honest And the rest of my family in US get together almost every weekend as well. Another weekend and the same situation again; its like youre living in Groundhog day. ForeverYoung Gah what is that. So why are you still with him? Lets not start with how many siblings he has. Lemongrass He also has a kid so Im basically competing with so much people. YES! Agreed. If youve explained that to him and he doesnt care or doesnt have any interest in meeting your needs, theres not a ton you can do. What way would you not want it to be? I consider myself to have a pretty close relationship with my own family, but they live in another state, and I really dont require seeing them more than once every 6 weeks or even being in touch more than every couple of days. Your right, most of these things you shouldnt have to sit down and discuss like a business meeting because by the time you move in together you should already know most of this stuff about them!! Maybe we are just really suited to each other but there really werent any bumps in the road. If he wants to visit his parents for dinner once or twice a week, his wife should be accompanying him. Have you tried just not going? Two things.. If the situation is even more complicated, for example, if his parents are old or his siblings have problems, your husband will feel even more guilty for leaving them. I love my city, but I also love my home (for clarification, I am referring to my apartment I dont live with or near my parents). I guess Im sort of mystified why this is so puzzling to the LW that she would even write an advice column over it. To use my own example, my mom lives alone, she is not the most sociable person, so I go and see her for a couple of hours almost every weekend, while my BF does his own thing, whatever that may be. For that matter, so do many of the ideas posted here in response. June 18, 2014, 10:08 am. All Im saying is, neither ways are wrong. It can still have a lot of randomness to it, but be bookended by specific activities. In many cultures that is the norm. You know I was in a similar situation once, my ex and his parents like to see each other a lot more than I liked to see them. I think it gives both of us an opportunity to have some alone time. But moving in together may also make you slack on spending time with your own friends and hobbies. Who does that? Next time he says to go to his parents for the w/end, tell hime youd rather do x or y. artsygirl I never feel like Im the priority and always in the backseat:(. Or maybe its the first major difference in opinion in a long line of future differences. As a PP said, some extended families are close and spend a whole lot of time together, and girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, get pulled right into the family circle. GatorGirl . Honestly, if my only options after being away for so long are sit at home or visit with people where things are happening, I would choose the later. Theres also always a cold beer in the freeze. So, she will either have to accept that this is how they are, or leave. Listen and dont judge when he tells you why he likes going to his parents and respect his opinion on that. At least, most of the time. Maybe Im wrong, but the fact that he needs to be there every weekend (although what is significant amounts of time?) Yeah, but every weekend? Tax Geek I dont think that is healthy. Will you LWs simply never learn? Laura Hope leilani I was thinking the same thing. I asked him all the time if 1. we could have weekends where we spent more time just with each other and 2. maybe even have one every once in awhile where he didnt see his parents, that was just us my argument being that I never got a weekend to relax at home and have him come to mei was always either driving to him or driving an hour out to his parents for the weekend and spending the night and all that. January 20, 2012, 10:57 am. Do you guys never visit/spend time with them? He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. The pursuer (usually the guy, but not always) realizes that he has gotten the person he wanted, and stops feeling the need to woo herie frequent well-thought-out dates, sweet romantic gestures in the middle of the day, unprompted soliloquizing on how much you mean to him, etc. The thing is, he is grown up and he has chosen to place a large emphasis on his family time. You can even switch off on who decides on what you two do in the city. Some families really are just that close. Agreed. What I am saying that the best time to discuss your spending habits is not when the bill is already on the table, or you dont discuss birth control when you are both naked and about to have sex. I would totally be cool with buying a compound and having my family and Peters family live on it in harmony with us. Im not saying get all this stuff figured out in one convo, im saying by the time you move in together you should know most of these things about the other person and you should fill in the blanks on ALL of them moving in together. Your husband wants you tospend every holiday with his parents, and he doesnt even ask you what you want. But what Im truly wondering is if this difference in opinion over how to spend the weekends is reflective of other big differences between you two that you didnt have time to learn before you moved in together. January 20, 2012, 10:53 am. When my husband and I got together, he was working a 4-hour drive from me and wed only see each other on weekends and vacations. It would be a waste to find someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with, only to lose the chance to be with them because of your lack of awareness or an inability He has no problem with his family coming to your place unannounced whenever they want and staying as long as they wish. Share that with your boyfriend as well. But Im a very direct, honest, forthright, loud kind of person. Sometimes he comes with me (although he is absolutely not obligated to do so), sometimes he goes shopping for things that he knows I have no interest in, sometimes he just sleeps and veggies out on the couch, or goes to the gym.. I could sort of see this also playing into the bf still seeing his parents as his nuclear family, thus the #1 priority for his free time. Maybe pick out a day once a weekend which is just couples time (hate the term date night). You dont want to talk about important issues with a SO so that you can pretend moving in together is a great idea because you dont know any better because you have SPECIFICALLY chosen not to know about better? To me it would be so weird if I came home and was a short drive from my parents, but just sat around my own house vs going there and socializing and seeing my family. That it wouldnt be that big of a deal if the LW and the bf went out a couple of times to visit his parents together and if he went out a time or two on his own. I think you guys need to slow this relationship down quite a bit, you guys are going full speed ahead, when you should really just be enjoying the very begining of your relationship together. Yea, I mean this could be two things: a mere annoyance or an over the top mom. If you want things to change, you need to be the catalyst for change. Maybe if you stop going every single time hell decide to stay home with you every now and then. Eh. IF you are going to live together you have to learn to communicate and let him know when things bother you. Self-reflection should always come first when we want to repair relationships with others, especially important people. Now, I usually call my mom once a week and my MIL occasionally. lets_be_honest Plus his parents never made him feel like thats what he had to be doing. Of course Im describing a worse-case scenario, but think of what feels right for YOU as far as family interaction & seek that out. artsygirl Oh yeah I forgot to leave out I never see my family at all he spends every holiday with his parents while I sit at home with my children, Skyblossom , And BGM made the point also that except for what seems like an obvious dealbreaker to most people, they have a wonderful, amazing, great relationship. March 11, 2017, 11:48 am. I give up. January 20, 2012, 11:17 am. You want to spend the weekend together, and he has to visit each of them. Tell him youre staying home this weekend. LW, you are not being unreasonable! Perhaps it would be better for the LW to MOA and let her boyfriend find someone else who may not object to spending all weekend, every weekend, with his parents. Decompressing is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a weekend. The LW may be overreacting. Its just simple, smart, communication! You say you cant get your boyfriend to understand that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. you still have some kinks to work out and a lot to learn about eachother! which i think is what youre saying. However, its also a convenient excuse for It doesnt scream big problem to me. True enough, Flake. I remember when I first moved in with my now husband I was so determined to split all expenses down the middle, even though at the time I was getting ripped off by my boss of the time (hed pay most of the people that worked for him whenever he felt like it, which was hardly ever). He will want to know why and you will answer that you have explained before that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. Hes not weird to want to spend time with his parents, and if shes gone along with it until now, getting him to change wont be easy. After marriage, EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY was spent at his folks house. In a healthy child/parent relationship, the cord needs to be cut before the child can become an adult and have his own family. I am actually not promoting anything. Its when a relationship switches from the wooing phase to the were together phase. I think that, though you try to play it off as not a big deal, you are a little jealous/sad that your boyfriends parents live close and yours live far away. Is it because the LWs own lease was up? it was just a sort of tradition. how do we divide furniture? bluesunday The fact is that this relationship is still very new, and even though it has only been two or three weeks of her spending time with his family, if she doesnt want it to continue that way then she needs to put a stop to it as soon as possible. If you actually like your partner, there's a chance you'll want to spend Christmas day together. Just plan something, anything. I know its tough when your fellow is away during the week and you want to see him too but if it stresses you out, take yourself out of the situation. Yea I totally agreethis is a very short timeline. demoiselle ReginaRey We are just those types of people though, which is why I said originally to the LW that this is usually just a fundamental part of people and not something you can really change that much. Maybe explain to him that you would like to keep some variety in how you spend your free time with each other. Explain to him that you value your time together just the two of you and make some suggestion as to how you could spend that time. ele4phant I imagine the problem would be solved pretty easily. Lindsay If theyve only been living together 3 weeks how is spending every weekend at his parents excessive? Its not explicitly in the letter, by I got the feeling that the weekend visits to bfs family preceded the moving in together, but that she still had some weekend time to herself. Dont you like spending time with us. If bf is always armed with a pre-agreed engagement with LW, he is better able to handle parental pressure. But seriously, moving in with a guy after dating him for three months? 1. when we have an issue with something we just say lets talk about it. if it works for you, thats all that matters. Its different having lunch with your parents or spending a couple hours with them every weekend. Make plans for activities. But Im talking about my family. 03/07/2022 08:00. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go to his parents house every weekend? A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? a lot of people just arent that way. Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person hes away from while hes gone. im kind of confused. Some things you may never known until you move in together. That was what I meant. Maybe you can offer to make dinner or get tickets to a play or museum show. Im glad you are independent but unless it is care duty his behaviour is odd to me, and Id find it hurtful were I you. At the end of the day lots of things get labeled. In some ways I think I sympathize with the LWs boyfriend because I am very close to my family and I try to see them 1-2 week, but the thing is I almost never bring my boyfriend unless its a family gathering or he expresses an interest to go. ForeverYoung Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four months and have been living together for about three weeks. Even if it isnt a matter of cutting apron strings or anything, some people just enjoy spending more time with their families than others. January 20, 2012, 11:16 am. Find a free movie or concert in the park, those seem to be like everywhere. Drews father is in his 90s (!!) I can use a personal example as well. Just want to put my two cents in: I think its all about communicating. lets_be_honest He told you hedoesnt want to spend Christmas with your family. In a typical family dynamic there are common roles assumed by different individuals. I thought the same thing. I dont understand why were in a relationship if he rather stay at his parents instead and not trying to build a life with me. , silver_dragon_girl Maybe thats what really got me thinking. I do think that the way the boyfriend and his parents are trying to make the LW feel guilty for wanting to spend time away from the boyfriends parents is a red flag. Tell him youre staying home three weekends out of four (which is completely reasonable) and hes welcome to stay with you or hes free to go see his parents, but you live in the city because you like the urban life and the weekend is your time to enjoy that life. Husband says we will spend Christmasses together when we have our own family. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. seems a little quick to be so worried to me, considering the time of year. My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 6 months, after dating for a year. GatorGirl says that maybe he needs to transition from one house to the next, seeing as its only been three weeks. ok, well then really were talking about the same thing. Do you ever say hey, I dont want to go, so Im going to stay home this time around, or do you keep your mouth shut with a smile firmly planted on it, rictus and all? I support this and even though it isnt practical for me to take the baby all the way to the other side of the city every time he goes (an hour and a half subway commute round-trip), I have no problem spending an evening by myself with Jackson so Drew can get in some time with his dad. Or he needs to retire to a place where he can enjoy just the feeling of solitary. Ok, fine, I do this. But yeah, having a partner whos very close to their family is not for everyone. During football season we spend Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching football with the same people. Have a bbq with friends. You are certainly not happy when unannounced visitors visit you, and you have a lot of work to do. I do care for his parents and they are nice people but at the same time I want a separate life with just me and my boyfriend. January 20, 2012, 7:40 pm. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. No one said they cant, just that they like to see each other on weekends. Thats what next times are for! But it doesnt sound like its fine for the boyfriend. This is her perception. She does go with him on occasion, but it is something that is always an issue between them. I know when my husband and I finally started living together, we would see both our parents every weekend along with going to the laundry mat and grocery shopping. That was my first thought. *If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter. And actually what I am promoting is having a casual conversation about things that are important to you to find out where both of you stand. Its a bit immature for a grown man to spend the weekend with his family while his wife is home alone, and maybe the children too. I think more people would do well to have a back-up plan if youre to break up (who moves out? Ive put my head in the sand in relationships as well before. June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. right! Why My Husband Thinks Taking Care of the Baby is Easy: 3 Reasons. Its super weird that hed rather bunk at mom and dads than yours. Bklyn Grl January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. Some people are just like that and you have to try not to take it personally. If you can be open minded, its very easy to compare this way of life to a cult truly. Ive dealt with this type. You know what will happen when you make him choose between spending every single weekend in the suburbs with his parents or three weekends a month in the city with you? If this has only been happening for three weeks, I dont really think you have a reason to worry. WebGoing every weekend with a 6 hour drive is a lot, but if he feels like thats what he wants to do then he should. The rest of the time he spent with me. Youve got to convince him that he can enjoy But according to the LW, they dont have anything else to do.. Well, thats separate problem. He was this way through their entire dating, engagement, and now marriage. silver_dragon_girl Addie Pray Next time your boyfriend says we are going to my folks Saturday, sound good? Say this: Are we going spend every weekend at your parents from now on? Come on, BGM! You and your husband wanting to live in different placesis probably a usual cause of arguments in your marriage. January 20, 2012, 8:52 pm. I think Ill sit this one out. Simple. Yeah.. OR maybe he makes more money than she does and doesnt realize the strain on her finances. June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. allathian Is it a deal breaker? January 20, 2012, 9:13 am. Your husband spends a lot of time with his family, but it may be justified because they need help, and it wont always be like that. to a point, but there are some things that there is no way around not having a conversation around. June 18, 2014, 11:08 am. ele4phant I wouldnt enjoy seeing my in-laws, let alone my own family, every weekend. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: 1. However, you could opt to take time off longer than a weekend to spend time with him. WebYou are a good person for trying to bond with your husbands family. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her wanting him to spend more time with her. Are you far away from your own family? No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Link AnneJune 18, 2014, 10:20 am Not to say that this stuff goes away altogether, just that it can decrease in frequency, sometimes dramatically. January 4, 2021, 3:15 am. And it really annoys you when they play the victim role, and on the phone, they are sad when you tell them that you wont visit them this weekend. If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. To me, it is not strange at all to spend some time every weekend with your family. If your husband does not agree to any compromise, there is probably another reason why he always wants to spend his vacation with his parents. If its something that you just cant some to terms with, than it may just be an incompatibility that you two cant overcome. WebHis wife is his family now and she should be his first priority. Why does she feel obligated to visit his parents so often? You cant expect your husband to not want to see his family, and you shouldnt. Im in the same boat. Er, the mom will find a reason drop by the LWs place. GatorGirl Just the fact that his mom is dropping by unannounced makes me uncomfortable, considering the current state of the world. LolaBeans What about visiting your parents? My dads side of the family is like this- I have an uncle and aunt who spend every day at my grandparents for at least a few hours. Say, what if I only come to your parents one weekend a month, and you only go 2-3? That way you get some weekend time alone with him and you only go over there once a month. and it sounds like she hasnt even tried to discuss this current issue with him. hops the bus and goes straight home. Also, make plans with friends. I think the commenters who speak of the bf feeling settled and not having to date any more are correct. Of course that was hard to maintain, so we had to work out what worked for us. Dont settle for an interaction that feels stifling, or youll be dealing with a bigger issue when the parents pass away. June 18, 2014, 10:50 am. But to leave your girlfriend every weekend for no other reason than youd rather spend time with your parents than with her is showing a major red flag. silver_dragon_girl I would focus on how you miss spending time just the two of you, exploring the city, going to your favorite restaurants, etc. You spend your free time with him on occasion, but be bookended by specific activities of things get.... Waking minute visiting youre living in Groundhog day now marriage bigger issue when the pass. Like everywhere need to be cut before the child can become an adult and have been together...: 3 reasons season we spend Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching with... Other was cheating on them and having my family and Peters family live on it in harmony with.... Four months and have discussed marriage in the park, those seem to be the for. 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